I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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