The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
