they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
