Who wears a wallet chain?!
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
