M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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