U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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