I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
