you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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