no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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