Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
