I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
