So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
someone owes me an orgasm
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
