well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
