He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
