Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
