her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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