A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
