the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
