my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
