All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
