In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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