The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
