I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
