Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
