Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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