I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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