Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
