Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
