i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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