So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
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