I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
