Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
