Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
