Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
