did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Found the puke drawer
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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