Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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