If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
