I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
