Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You smell like stripper and shame
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
