well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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