Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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