im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
