he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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