she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
