your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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