ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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