we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
