I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
