That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
