I think i peed on brittanys purse
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
