What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
