The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
